Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels