Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
You Might Also Like
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Just a bush.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.