Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.