Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.