I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
#ProTip
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
You’ll be OK
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months