All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
crochet youtube is brutal
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Welcome
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.