I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?