Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months