Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
being a writer on Twitter:
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.