yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Go girl power!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.