Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*