once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
The Punning Dead.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.