Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
i love modern commerce
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.