I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”