I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Mission: Impossible
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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pelicons
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.