@badbanana: Yeah, well, I didn't exactly want to be late for work today either but it's not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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@neiltyson: I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask
@shariv67: I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
@TheSharona06: At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item Cashier: Are these good? Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering