Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
You Might Also Like
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.