Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.