I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
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I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one