Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
You Might Also Like
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀