@rachelle_mandik: year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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@JasonLastname: Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn't about the food being Chinese, it's about you being American.
@Playing_Dad: [Heaven] Me: Can I come in? St Peter: *shakes head no* Me: Was it close? St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really
@kelkulus: Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
@aligarchy: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here