year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”