Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver