Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Finally!
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.