@meganamram: Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!
@BuckyIsotope: *visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*