@GrantTanaka: Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like "chemotherapy, dude" & I was like, "whatever, racist" cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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@BAnderson_30: Good thing Brazil won...otherwise I'm pretty sure they would've just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
@NikkiGlaser: What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, "who emptied the dishwasher?!"
@mynameisntdave: GENIE: u get 3 wishes! ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that's gonna cost you an extra wish