Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Welcome
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Nice try, poison.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂