Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
So sick of all these stupid rules
🏙👨🏼
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.