[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Bootstraps
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep