[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?