@KalvinMacleod: DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?

@elizabeth_fels: PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I'll kill him ELENA: He's not! PUTIN: (softly) u...s... [bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@Marlebean: Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he'll stop talking to me.

@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control ME: ah. no.

@internetluke: Boss: we're going to our cabin on the lake this weekend Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake? Boss: Ya? Coworker: must be wet hahaha