@KalvinMacleod: DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that's hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
@elizabeth_fels: PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I'll kill him
ELENA: He's not!
PUTIN: (softly) u...s...
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
@Marlebean: Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he'll stop talking to me.
@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
@internetluke: Boss: we're going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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