Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?