[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Hot hot hot 🥵
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?