[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*