[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
j o i m p
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave