[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”