Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
tourist season
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”