Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Is this you?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.