@NakedHangover: Yelling "shotgun" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
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@ieatanddrink: Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound
@Matt_The_1st: "Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"
@aka_fatman: "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"