[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.