[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
lmfao come on
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
the icebreaker
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.