@Metalligretch: Yelling "wooooo" when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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@TheToddWilliams: [gun shop] ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead? CLERK: Haha no that's illegal ME: Ok CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
@Notoliviasteel: DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.