Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.