My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.