My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop