[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right