Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO