Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
u spoke cat all this time??????
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?