I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
estão todos miauvindo?