@robfee: Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.
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@melliemeow: I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don't stand in them or walk in them.
@cbdoubleu: "Are you seeing anyone?" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends.
@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.