Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
You Might Also Like
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
who will stop them
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.