Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Autocarrot sucks!
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks