Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Does it…does it take 3 days
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now