Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t