My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
You Might Also Like
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples